Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
