I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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