so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
