Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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