and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
