did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
