I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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