theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
