I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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