Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
