I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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