my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
