I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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