So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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