Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
