Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize