I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
