watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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