I just saw a hot homeless man
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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