Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
