life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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