Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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