Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
