im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
