Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
