Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
