nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
