i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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