Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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