Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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