oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
