this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
