There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
