dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
