im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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