I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
