how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
