the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
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