I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
