Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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