If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
