its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
