shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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