i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
