girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
