They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
