What a fucking waste of an outfit
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
