I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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