I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
