david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
