Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
