Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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