I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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