I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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