My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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