My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
