i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
