Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize